21
No one never ever told be, how hard it would be to say goodbye to your new home, to your new family and to your new friends. People only used to talk about how hard it is to leave for your exchange. And when it is the moment we, international kids, slowly realise this journey is coming to an end and there is nothing we can do about it we just don't know what to suddenly do. The time flies so fast.
I would say that now that I know that its almost time to say goodbye I have mood swings every 5 minutes. Once I can't wait to go home, I would start packing immediately and other moments I find myself crying not wanting to leave this all behind.
So how in the World are we all suppose to say goodbye?
Well I don't know. How do you say goodbye to people that you might find yourself better friends with than those ones home? It was easier saying goodbye before, because you knew, there was this insurance, that once this is over you will get to go back. But not this time. Once you pass the security on the airport it is gone. Just like that, you will never get it back...
I found myself today sitting on the stairs with my best friend, a person that became the most important in my life, and realising after 21 days I might never see him again. And how do you say goodbye to that? How do you say goodbye to your friends you see everyday in school, that hug you every day, that you share the same story with? I am scared, scared that these people will forget about me once we all go back to our lives back in our "home" countries.
Canada, oh dear Canada, and even dearest Salt Spring Island... Only if I could explain how much all of this means to every single piece of me. I grew up, I became independent and I could try how does it feel to take care of all the money (trust me its not easy) :D I became this person I wasn't before I came here. And once I go back I will be shaped differently again.
You will come back home to your best friend, to the people that will hug you on the hallways and to people that will share similar stories with you. And these people will become important to you. They will be different people, and you might even find yourself not being comfy with people you used to be before. And even thought it is scary I guess it is okay.
For all people that are waiting for us to come home and just can't wait. We can't wait to, well a part of us. Don't take this bad, we love you so much, we missed you and there were days we wish we could be with you immediately. Don't expect us to be all great the first day we arrive back home. We will be hurting, hurting hard cause we left another home. Be patient with us, most of our stories now will start with: "When I was on my exchange..." and we will get annoying. But please understand that we changed, we are not the same people you said goodbye to 10 months ago on the airport terminal, and there is a high chance you aren't the same person too. Understand that there will be days when we will just wanna be hidden under our blankets crying and being sad. Missing our life back in our "host" country. This feels just like another exchange for us, trust me. We come back home yet things are not the same, we need to adapt again. Go through the natural part of grieving and don't kill us that we will be on our phones most of the time texting to our friends on the other side of the world because the time change is not helping us. Only thanks to you we got this opportunity to call home 2 places. Only thanks to you we can have family around the world. We are one big international family. And I know I will forever have home also in Brazil or Germany. Home is no longer a place. We are thankful for this opportunity but please understand that saying goodbye wasn't even close to easy.
Honestly waiting for goodbyes is the hardest. You know it will come eventually but you just have to wait, and sometimes you would rather have it all done. And thats okay... I will never ever ever forget. These memories, these people, these places are unforgettable. It is THE chapter of our lives that made us independent. It is a chapter we will always love coming back to and shed a few tears and laugh for a little while. Exchange will always be a part of me or you. And that is what makes the leaving hard, what makes the goodbye unimaginable
So when it is time to say goodbye lets pass that. Goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting. Lets just say until we see each other again! Cause my heart will forever be yours and yours forever mine. And we never forget about that.
X's
And all I get to say is, sorry for caring for you after things ended, sorry for still having feelings for you, sorry for being crazy for you when clearly you never had any... But there is one thing I am not sorry for, I am not sorry for the day you called me a bitch because we all know I ain't one. If I was I would play guys hearts, yet I try to explain that I still had feelings for someone else. If I was a bitch I would never try to repair my mistakes, I would never ever apologise, and I am sorry for you that you see me like this cause, just maybe, you might saw me wrong... I wasn't a bitch, I was caring, and if you or anyone else can not see that difference I am not going to borrow you my glasses so you would notice. I am sorry that I did something that made you think this of me, I truly am... And I will never lower down on the level of yours and call you a bitch too, cause I will try to understand.. And even if I never will I am not the one with the right to call you a bitch just because I would go against myself... Cause I still care, and even though you have that image of me in your head I will care.
I am done trying tho, I am not going to be the one convincing you how wrong you are, because maybe you are not. Maybe I am one when I walked away when we both needed each other to stay and maybe I am just blinded by love... But we all know how I hate the word maybe, it is so overrated , yet so useful when you need to save from an awkward situation... And to be honest I am not defending your decisions you made when you called me a bitch, I am trying to understand... Is caring bitchy? They will all say, you are just convincing yourself about how you want to feel, yet I believe every single word you said, and I am not going to get mad at you and get a revenge, cause you know I ain't the bitch you have in your mind. Love of others is important, these people see you differently then you do yourself, right? They don't see those flaws you see when you stare at your reflection after taking a shower, but they also do see things you don't. They see how you smile and how your eyes light up while talking about something really important to you. They will be here and after all this I will hear that "the love is filling your head anyways" and tbh she was right, yet I have this feeling that the self-love is way more important, self-love and self-acceptence will be what will get me from bed tomorrow and allow me to keep my head high. Not your love, not their love, my love. And even though I value these people more then anything and I will be there for them till the wolds collide, and I am so thankful for them I know this is just my war to fight. And I had already overcame the hate towards you, I just need to overcome the love I feel...
Our story has maybe more then two sides but the book is closed, words were said, things were done. There is no coming back and maybe this is how it ends... You with your assumptions and me with my caring.
With love,
The bitch that cared
Time to say goodbye
We came here as kids we leave as adults!
10 countries, 37 exchange students, one Christmas video!
Bad days
Sunday - November 8th
Next we went to St. Mary lake for a small walk and the water was so clear it reflected the trees. Take some time and go through these calm photos full of pure nature!
A bit of home
I got this opportunity today on October 25th. My friend Saška came to Victoria with her amazing host family from Chilliwack where she is also on a year exchange program. Knowing her since grade 6 and not seeing her for 3 months I was super excited to see her! Being able to speak Slovak again was hard and I guess I somehow forgot how to speak in my own language! We did some (window) shopping and for 5 hours I felt like home again. And I guess these small moments help me go through it all. Being able to feel home even when being on the other side of the World is great! She gave me the comfort I was seeking for, for really long without even realising. When I sadly got on the ferry on my way to my island I felt better and stronger than I did before leaving to see her! She gave me the strength to hold on cause I know I have her here, even when she is still pretty far away :D.
Bringing a piece of your old home to your new home may be sad and probably you will cry like i did when the car with her left but also moments like this help you a lot! And after this amazing day I am ready to go on, also thanks to her! <3 Love you Saši
And I got to meet a great German girl Alicia! You rock girl!! It was great meeting you and I hope to see you again sometimes! Thanks for an unforgettable day!
14815
What the heck?
Yep, thats what you are probably asking yourself right now. How I am supposed to know what that means? Will this help? 14.8.2015. Yea I guess so :)
The D day, the day I got an opportunity to just go and don't come back for a year. And this is what it will be about. How does it feel to be an international student, being a new daughter to your new host mom or a new sister to your host siblings. Everything is new and believe me or not, everything changes!