Bad days
November 18, 2015 at 8:43 pm,
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Life brings you bad days and good days. In the beginning here, mainly since 31st August the days were just bad. Hard to deal with the sadness that is dragging you down. All I wanted back then was just to go home and be with the people I know and just stay in the places I know. But that wasn't going to happen for awhile, and it took me a long time to realise it. And good days came and bad days went away. I started to find my place here and do things why I came here. But bad days bring consequences and those were that I just gained weight; a lot of weight. And I was like yeah, everything is alright, I will just loose it again, it was a hard emotional time I deserved to eat all the chocolate and candy because it brought me to my better days. And good days don't last forever. All the things that went great will just suck the other day. 96 days out of a place I know and 80 days since the people I love the most left and it feels like forever but also like a day. But I know I am in 1/3 and that till now I came so far. Sure I do cry every day possible and a tear is streaming down my face at this moment also but I got until this point. A point were I have bad days again and I feel like my whole life sucks and I see the reflection in the mirror and I am asking myself where the girl that was so confident, so herself and so okay with the way she looked went and even if I try I can come up only with one answer. That girl died on 14th of August and a new one was born that day also. It is really hard to admit that this is who I am now... And admit all the things happening around me, because people are saying yay you are so brave but I don't see that, I can't see all the good things I've done till now and mostly it is hard for me to admit that I am here, I can't really believe it still... And even when I get to cry every day, me being here is okay. I know I learned so much about me till this point, I just can not see it yet. And now I am going through the hard days again, questioning myself with every step I take and just asking myself what would be if I just stayed in my safe harbour; would I be scared that I might not see my friends again? Would I suddenly have nothing to say to a friend I loved? Would that relationship hold on? Would I stayed in my skinny skin? Would I be happy? There doesn't come a day that I don't question myself, cry or miss home but there always comes a day when I smile for even a while and appreciate what I have cause it will be gone soon. When these 225 days past I'll die again, but will be reborn on the same day and starting this journey all over again. Is it worth it? I don't know.